Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love by John Mordechai Gottman

Author:John Mordechai Gottman [Gottman, John Mordechai]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781136175657
Publisher: Taylor and Francis
Published: 2014-10-09T22:00:00+00:00

Mismatched Influence Functions Spell Big Trouble

There were two types of mismatched couples. In this kind of couple, one partner’s influence function is markedly different in shape than the other partner’s influence function. Mismatched influence spells big trouble.

Hostile Couples

The type of couple I called “hostile” is a mismatch with the husband having a validating influence function, and the wife an avoider. This type of couple, while unhappy, appears to be stable in our longitudinal studies. The stable but unhappy couple is characterized by a husband who is a validator paired with a conflict-avoiding wife. This is our first type of mismatch in influence functions. The validator pursues the avoider. He wants to talk (or argue) about an issue but the avoider doesn’t want to. The last thing in the world that the avoider wants is conflict. To the validating husband the avoiding wife seems uncaring, aloof, unapproachable. To the avoider wife the validating husband seems like a chronically negative or “overly needy” man. These are common descriptions we hear when we interview these mismatched couples.

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